To get me out of my mini crisis of confidence and start writing again...
But, what a mess. Late night (or early morning) ramblings are sort of like the great ideas we used to have when we were, ah, chemically impaired, they didn't make sense the next day. However, there was some value in the post, especially the thoughts about trusting.
Trust - It's one of the things I've been working on the most, trying to learn to trust not only the world but most importantly, myself. And I did start from practically zero but that's changing everyday.
It seems to me that trust is tied in pretty closely with control. Not trusting means you can't allow anyone else to take over, which becomes so incredibly exhausting. It makes you a hard person to live with, controlling, suspicious, exacting and not exactly warm and fuzzy. So, as I've said before, I've been working hard on giving up control and in the process have seen my ability to trust improve. Feels good too.
Things that I couldn't control:
Airplanes - I practically quit flying, which is sad and silly and kept me from many great adventures. Enough of that, when I want to go I go, let the pilots worry about it, after all, he or she doesn't want to die either. I still hate cramming my long legs into dinky seats but whatever, let's go!
Weather - Yeah, sometimes it's dangerous to drive in the wet or icy stuff, but I also trust my vehicle and my ability to drive. Though I still look out for everyone else, that's not lack of trust, it's defensive driving.
People - This is a big one. Not trusting means you block yourself from some amazing relationships. I still whine to myself that I should never have trusted that person, look how much he or she hurt me, phooey. If I line up the hurts side by side with the joy and the laughter and the loving and the hope it's not even worth mentioning, so I let it go. All these interesting people in my life make me feel alive.
Myself - This is the ultimate. I've got the skills, the knowledge, the background, the mind and the heart to make good decisions about who and what to trust. It's time to use them, to trust them, to let go of stupid control and just enjoy the days, hours and minutes I've got left. I can do it.
Recently I've been having a crisis of trust with someone I think is going to become very important in my life. It was making me crazy. So over a nice bottle of Brut Rosado I decided to let it go and try some trust. It changed my whole view, made the possibilities open up and gave me back myself. As he says, relax and enjoy the process, it's easy.
I should get it tattoed on my arm, right next to the happy face...
Peace to you and yours from me and mine.