Thursday, January 07, 2016

Reflection and Projection

I love doing a yearly recap. I sift through the old year and ponder which parts will influence the new. What did I do right that I want to continue? What things do I never want to repeat? What needs to be tweaked a bit or maybe revisited in the future?

Well, this year I learned to love myself. It was probably one of the most profound and difficult and yet inspiring times of my life. What's that song? "Looking for love in all the wrong places?" Yep, that was my theme song. I knew that I needed to put me first. I did a few times, in between him and him and him and so on. The scary place inside I managed to avoid, it was so dark and alone.

Finally, I said Basta! Enough! Stop! No more! I realized that my last partner left such a huge hole in my heart that there was nothing left to share. I quit looking and started to spend time with myself. One month and then two and finally four and more and now it's over nine months (yes, I'm still counting, who's perfect?) and I've made it to a New Year, happy and fulfilled and eager to get up and drink coffee in my hot tub, wondering what sort of interesting things I can get into on this great day?

I found friends, good friends, people I cannot wait to talk to on any given day, people I find endlessly interesting, women of strong character with equally strong creative streaks, women and men who make me laugh and don't mind that I'm driven and that I tend to forget the world exists and need to be lured out of my obsessions every now and then. That they seem to like me makes me a little uncomfortable and bashfully giddy. I know I'm worthy but often have to remind myself.

I love my work. I love the beauty that comes from my creative mind and talented hands.
I have been able to immerse myself in learning new things and you'll often find me laughing out loud in huge, joyous, explosive bursts of happiness. Dream it, plan it, do it, love it and then back to the beginning, how much better does it get?

I know it gets a lot better. There is so much to do. And so little time, hopefully thirty more years if I'm lucky.

Of course, there have been challenges. In constant pain I gave up on my hip and set in motion a replacement until I met an outstanding Orthopedic Surgeon who helped me get my fighting spirit back. Now, with some dedication to physical therapy and pain management I'm working on getting stronger and if it has to be done down the road I'll be ready, both physically and mentally.

I think the best lesson I've learned this year is that I really do come first and that's not a selfish thing. I have to take care of myself. I am able to see the value in that for me and for others. I backslide pretty quickly but bounce back and work harder to stay on track with that strange notion.

The stronger my foundation gets the more I feel ready for adventure. I don't have to stay in any one place forever. While I love this area I am feeling more and more that it's time for me to move on. I'm looking for new places to live, the Southwest is calling, maybe New Mexico, maybe Colorado. Will it be a condo in sunny Santa Fe? A mountain retreat in southern Colorado? I'm so excited thinking about a new adventure, new places, new challenges, new venues for my jewelry, new people to meet.

The doors are wide open. I only have to step through them.