Tuesday, March 15, 2011

On guns and rain and men...

Raining hard this morning so I slept in, deep and warm in my wool blankets.  I see that I'm still on whatever time it is we left last week, crawling out of bed at 8:30 doesn't seem to bother the dogs much, it's only 7:30 to them but it makes me feel very lazy.  I've got plenty of little projects to work on and I'll probably bake some bread, how does Whole Wheat Molasses Bread sound?  It's good stuff.

Last night was my second night at shooting league and it went much better.  I shot a 172 on the first sequence and a 158 on the second sequence.  I didn't run out of time but still need to settle down a bit and that will improve even more.  We shoot the same series next week so I'll go practice once this week and see what happens.  I'm more comfortable because I know what to expect now and I just want everyone to get out of my way and let me shoot.  I love, love, love to shoot.  I love the feel of the firearm, that amazing piece of finely crafted machinery.  I love the smell of the range and seeing the spark of fire that comes out of the muzzles.  My sense of aesthetics is a bit offended by my holster set-up.  I think all gunbelts should be leather because I was raised admiring my Dad's gunbelt, all tooled leather, well oiled, creaking a bit like a good saddle.  Well, that's something I can keep my eye out for, first make sure I really like this, then look for leather.  I'd prefer a used set-up, well worn and loved would be heavenly.

Ah, then there are the men. I can't help but think that whatever happens is my fault, as much as I try to avoid that.  I know everyone has their demons and if they are dealing with demons and don't want my help then that's fine.  But tell me, ok?

I swore I would never be one of those women who refused to trust anyone because of their past interactions.  I thought you should get over it and move on and to some extent I still feel that way.  However, because I do become quite emotionally involved quickly I'm going to have to rethink things.  I can continue as long as I am able to maintain my personal sense of equilibrium.  Does it make me happy?  What is the disruption factor?  And the big question is if I knew now what would happen would I do it again?  I believe that you learn something from every interaction, that this path is chosen for us and when we choose with love, kindness, compassion and good will then we will continue on the right path.  So, yes, so far I'd meet them again, love them, need them, lose them, mourn them, but not forget them.

But here's the big question.  Would I take them back?  Knowing what I know now about how they choose to treat their women, would I place myself at their mercy again?  This requires me to dig down deep and see how I really feel.  And I find a few surprising things.  I'm a very primitive person, a thin veneer of civilization cloaks some really strong emotions.  And maybe it's not placing myself at their mercy, but do I think they'd be well served to be at mine?  In some instances no, I'd not be able to keep the anger at bay forever, so it's best not to go there.  In others I am merely curious, what's in there, can we get through the fences and the forest of pain to find the place of peace together?  Yeah, I think sometimes it's worth it.

When I stand on the ocean bluff or the mountain trail and open my heart to the one to ask for guidance I ask not for her to make him mine, but to guide me in treating him in such a way that will be good for both of us.  Would that they did the same.

Peace to you and yours from me and mine.

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