We need you to come in for some more pictures.
No woman wants to hear those words.
Ok, I say.
Outside calm and friendly, inside seizing up in fear.
The next few days it's equal parts reason and chaos.
Pushing plans back, drawing in, wondering if I'm strong enough, the endless loop you can't shut off.
Today early to the imaging center, happy to get the process started.
Pictures that go to the Radiologist.
Waiting.
More pictures.
Waiting.
She smiles kindly.
Says he wants an ultrasound.
Waiting.
Cold gel, the transducer slides up and down.
See it, the empty space, not round, black and empty, like my stomach.
Waiting.
He comes in, eyes steady.
Hold on they say.
It's probably ok, but strange enough to want more, to make sure.
Waiting.
Sign papers, talk about procedures, talk about afterwards.
Cold, scared, hopeful.
Steady eyes, steady hands, gel, transducer guides the needle. I watch the screen, the black hole
disappears.
It's ok, the cyst collapses, best case scenario.
Today I did not join the line of women fighting breast cancer.
Little beat up, bruised, thankful, mentally exhausted, elated.
Aware that I would have many sisters before me, beside me, behind me, to lean on, learn from, follow and maybe lead.
It's enough to live each day, each minute.
To love thankfully and deeply.
Peace.
Good to hear kid, you've dodged a couple of mean bullets in the last few years, heart and in that vicinity. I subscribe to the religion of Karma. I'm sure your good luck will continue.
ReplyDeleteL
L.
ReplyDeleteThanks and yes, I have. Someone seems to think I need frequent reminders of what's really important. Unless these are karmic residue from my past wicked ways, hmmmm? I think there are no limits to compassion and perhaps I needed a way to expand mine a bit more. It's all good.