Sunday, April 28, 2013

Looking backward

Blog stats are an interesting thing.  While I don't know who is reading I know what is being read and I often go back and re-read that post again.

I've come a long way baby, from uncertainty and pain to contentment and joy.  It's not easy to leave a long settled life and move on to another.  I certainly made a lot of mistakes along the way.  I caused others pain which I regret. I'm still trying to make up for that.  I'm working to build a new relationship with my children, to continue to support and nurture them while making my own mental and physical health a priority.

It's that selfish thing, sometimes you have to be selfish to survive but at some point that isn't necessary anymore, deciding when is the hard part.

Reading those early posts, feeling that raw hurt is good for me now.  I still feel that tightness in my throat and I often cry, brushing tears away, sitting silently thinking of then and now.  I wish I could go back and tell me that it's worth it, that the journey is rocky and difficult but also filled with wonder, love, discovery, fulfillment, awareness, knowing and simple fine living.

I think I know more about what's good for me.  I've discovered that I love life.  I love waking each day in my dream house, wandering out to my sunny kitchen for a hot, strong cup of espresso with my furry companions racing around at my feet.  I've got great funny and creative friends who make my life more interesting than I would have thought possible.  I can pick and choose my spare hours, walks and musical events, feeling comfortable going to the pub alone, knowing I'll find someone to talk to.

I'm learning to choose quality over quantity, refining my life down to the essentials.

I've opened my heart to learning new ways of loving, with less restriction and fewer societal rules.  This journey astounds me with it's limitless possibilities.  Don't get me wrong, there is a learning curve involved and I imagine I'll stumble more often than not, but it's worth it.  Worth trying to be a better person, more loving, less afraid, ready to accept what is offered in it's purest form.

I often say Peace at the end of my blog entries.  It's sums up the general feeling of my day to day life.  However, I find others come to mind lately and I'll be using those.

Don't be afraid to Ask for what you want, throw it all out into the universe and see what comes.


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