Sunday, August 04, 2013

This and that...

I'm in Amarillo tonight, sitting on a big king sized bed in a decent hotel, sipping a glass of good crispy white wine.

What a trip so far, 1450 miles in two days.

I LOVE road trips.  It's been so long and truthfully, I almost canceled the trip the night before.  I was afraid. I haven't done this type of driving for three years, alone and on my own, and I was doubting that I could still do it.

Fuck it, I can and I love it.  Sometimes I listen too much to people.  Yes, I know they have legitimate concerns, things can happen, but so what.  I love it when people say, "You'll have a blast, but be safe."  That's enough of a reminder.

I needed this trip to happen.  I needed to remind myself of my competence and independence.  I also needed the vast amount of time to work through some things in my head.

I was caught in an emotional whirlpool, going around and around, getting more angry and more filled with contempt and hatred.  My heart hurt.

It actually took 1350 miles before it all came together.  This song started to play and there was a huge thunderstorm complete with great flashes of lightning and driving rain.

The Zac Brown Band - Quiet Your Mind (Sorry the good Youtube was pulled.)

I hear the waves
Sun beatin' down on my shoulders
It's a near-perfect day
Wishin' I wouldn't get any older
They say that it's gone 'fore you know it now
Quiet your mind
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride
I feel the change
Goin' on all around me
It's strange
How I'm taken and guided
Where I end up right where I'm needed to be
Quiet your mind
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride
At the end of the water
A red sun is risin'
And the stars are all goin' away
And if you're too busy talkin'
You're not busy listenin'
To hear what the land has to say
Quiet your mind
I hear the waves
Sun beatin' down on my shoulders
It's a near-perfect day
Wishin' I wouldn't get any older
They say that it's gone 'fore you know it and
Soak it all in
It's a game you can't win
Enjoy the ride


And all of a sudden I got it, that nudge to quit obsessing and to realize how insignificant I was in the great drama of the earth.  And my mind opened up along with my heart.  We can't make someone do what we want.  Everyone has their own path, their own reality and they have to follow their story.  Our stories often intersect,sometimes for a short time, sometimes for much longer.  The danger is to forget to live our own story, to submerge it in another's.

Do I want my story to be filled with anger, contempt, hatred and regret?  No, I don't.  I knew those emotions would be damaging to me in the long run but I wasn't sure how to push them away.  I'm not entirely successful yet but I can take a deep breath and see the right path to follow.

I have to let go of a lot.  There are dreams and hopes and longings that I have to just let go, let them fly off on their own.  To hold on to them keeps me from opening up to new dreams and new hopes, they actually clog up the intake valves.

I can throw open the doors and invite new things to come in.

Peaceful mind, peaceful dreams and a grateful heart.













2 comments:

  1. A very enlightening story, and it kinda hits home for me too. What a powerful song, and I can just hear the thunder, lightening and feel the rain.
    Truck on, Suz.

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  2. Yes, thank you! We carry around these notions of how things oughta be, when really, how things oughta be are how things are right now.

    "Soak it all in, it's a game you can't win, enjoy the ride."

    Suz

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