And loud and proud of what and who I am.
I was asked to temper my words by someone I loved with all my heart and so I did, because I did not want to cause him pain.
I grieved my beloved blog and tried to write privately but it just didn't seem the same. Here I feel like I'm having a conversation and even though I'm not an exhibitionist I found it nearly impossible to write for a very limited (but loyal) audience.
I blew it. I followed my heart while the alarm bells rang at DefCon One, ignoring those warning bells, wanting so much the fantasy that the reality just escaped me.
You can't make someone love you. What is in their heart is not the same thing that's in yours. You can't make them faithful. You can't make them honest. You can't make them be the warrior your heart seeks.
And I suffered and suffered and finally experienced enough betrayal that the light broke through and I stepped free.
And now I'm free and will work really hard to rebuild my confidence in myself.
And no doubt I'll screw up again but I'm actually okay with that. I've chosen to live my life with an open heart, in a childlike simplicity of loving and laughing and giving.
And one day there will be a person who deserves that and celebrates it and me.